I could fix every sport ever if …
… once and for all, the Chicago Bulls would finally remove Phil Jackson’s face from their logo.
… soccer had smaller nets, no goalkeepers and randomly-placed trap doors around the field.
… they let the fourth-grade guest announcers for the starting lineups call the whole game instead.
… the NBA All-Star Dunk Contest was replaced with a blocked shot contest. Only the All-Stars would have to block shots from 10-year-olds.
… NCAA football conferences were abolished in favor of the English Premier League promotion and relegation system.
… Powerball, from American Gladiators, was organized into a professional sport. Also, Larry Csonka would have to come back to serve the sport’s primary television analyst.
… The San Francisco Giants adopted Karl from “Big Fish” as their official mascot.
… Major League Baseball mandated that all player walk-up music had to be selected from the catalogue of 1980s Nintendo video game themes. Mine would be this.
… kickboarding was added to the Olympic aquatic program.
… The NFL did away with helmets and dispensed Eric Dickerson’s goggles as standard issue instead.
… water polo was played in the kids wading pool. The one with the fountains and dump buckets …
… every Major League Baseball team had to reserve one roster spot for a fifth-grader recently recovered from a broken arm. We’d settle for Daniel Stern getting to serve as a pitching coach for one team, one game every season – to be served on a rotating basis.
… soccer defenders were equipped with T-shirt cannons.
… anyone knew, definitively, what this was supposed to be:
… every night of the Winter Olympics broadcasts included a full hour of short track speedskating. Also, if they showed short track speedskating more than once every four years …
… every night of the Summer Olympics broadcasts included a full hour of short track speedskating.
… there were more pyrotechnics in traditional wrestling.
… Rugby Sevens was played on rollerblades.
… Tim Riggins had been granted a fourth senior season on “Friday Night Lights.”
… In the spirit of former Washington Wizards sharp-shooter Gilbert Arenas, NBA three-pointers only counted if the shooter shouted a three-syllable catch-phrase prior to the ball going through the hoop. Hibachi!